Placing correction within the universe of love

Commentary

To discipline or correct our children, often parents lecture, reprimand, yell, shout, give orders, remind, grumble, threaten, or criticize them. All those reproaches, warnings, and complaints seem to fall on deaf ears, and they no longer want to listen to anything we say. It is useless. And the result is a spoiled child and the deterioration of the parent-child relationship. Why?

Because in the family, everything – the children’s education included – has to be inspired by and form part of the universe of love, which is proper to family ties. For that reason, the bad manners, anger, shouting, mistreatment, reproaches, insults, and other forms belonging to the savage – although they seem to have the purpose of educating -, are entirely opposed to what the family is, its bosom, and its loving environment. The result of this contradiction is evident: the educational failure, the affective and communication break between parents and children, and the children’s rebelliousness and escape. Sometimes, even we cultivate hatred toward the values that we try to sow due to the ill way we teach them.

Of course, educating means pruning. Limits – what should not be allowed because it is bad and harms them – are still as vital as they always were. There are indeed behaviors that are not acceptable; however, the manner in which we straighten what is crooked is decisive. Correcting another person is a wise art form. Moreover, correcting and improving within a family is an invaluable and irreplaceable opportunity to teach love: the love of parents, children, and siblings. It is not possible to improvise from impatience, anger, aggressiveness, reproach, and disappointment, discouraging hope in each other. Parents also discover, learn, and educate their paternity and maternity while educating their children. Many want to reap here and now what they have to sow. They soon get tired of sowing because they have impatient laziness; educating takes long.

For parents to ensure that children genuinely understand the meaning of pruning and limits, to experience that not everything you can or feel like doing benefits you in the short, medium, or long term is one of love´s art forms. Some children understand this early in life. Others resist as they like to do what they feel like doing, and it costs them a fortune to overcome their whim and the mindset of “I feel like it.” It is extremely difficult for this second group to prefer what they must and is truly good for them. Children must understand that what is at stake is their maturity, ability to overcome adolescent selfishness, the habit of understanding others, not just being closed in on themselves, and, therefore, their future ability to know how to love instead of other attitudes.

Good discipline consists of supporting children in making their own decisions and choices, helping them to form their conscience and their scale of values, to become responsible and caring adults who respect themselves and others. In a good discipline, communication skills are essential, as they are closely linked. Do not give attention when they demand it; ignore tantrums.

As it is an art form, every parent must discover himself as the artist, which he carries inside and brings it forth out of love. I suggest the following:

Remove yourself from power struggles; refuse to get caught up in an argument. Do not give in.

Highlight and encourage responsible behavior. Do not congratulate only at the end of the achievement; accompany, and thus reinforce, each step with praise.

Listen actively; correct your children by putting yourself in “personal and intimate confidence mode,” exteriorize your feelings, avoid being doctrinaire and distant.

Be timely. Find a quieter moment – almost always in private – to talk about tensions, and involve your children in decision making.

Do not impose your solutions without them assuming responsibility and the consequences of their actions. It is not enough that they obey you. You must get them to mature.

Furthermore, whatever happens, love your child and never stop telling them! You know, a drop of honey is better than a thousand drops of gall. Be patient because it is showing them hope. You are their father and mother, never the prosecutor, the judge, and the jailer in the punishment cell. Remember the case of the father of the prodigal son. Remember that your son has not yet gone squandering your fortune in vices. And even if he did, a father and a mother, because that is their identity, will await for years with open arms “their child´s return” to what they taught him.