English
EspañolWe are a fascinating combination of light and shadows. It is precisely in this manner, having defects and virtues, that we can love and be loved. The more we struggle to love ourselves, the more light we shed on our dark sides.
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“Married couples joined by love speak well of each other; they try to show their spouse’s good side, not their weakness and faults. In any event, they keep silent rather than speak ill of them. This is not merely a way of acting in front of others; it springs from an interior attitude. Far from ingenuously claiming not to see the problems and weaknesses of others, it sees those weaknesses and faults in a wider context. It recognizes that these failings are a part of a bigger picture. We have to realize that all of us are a complex mixture of light and shadows.” (The Joy of Love, n.113)
Commentary
We all have in mind the image, often idealized by advertisements and movies, of two older people who have been together forever. Perhaps, the media wants to transmit a utopian vision of human love to us. It is an image, not reality. What is the absolute truth?
When we see two elderly people who love each other, the absolute truth is that they have reached said stage of their marriage thanks to the ability to see behind their own faults and those of the other person. Two people have read “the fine print” of that complex pact that founded their marriage.
The couple reaches that point because they have been able to face happy and sad moments, difficulties and success, illness and death without losing their good humor and joy, betting on their family, integrating the new members into it, and generating from that home a beacon of peace and calmness that reaches neighbors and friends. This is the actual reality of veteran love.
The incredible thing is that this is achieved by two ordinary people with virtues and defects. A cantankerous husband, who protests at mealtime, but who finishes every last morsel, whether his wife is a good or bad cook because in his heart he recognizes that his anger is not related to the stew, but his profession, and at last he restrains himself, smiles, relieves his tension, instead of making a drama.
A wife, with an introverted and shy character, who does not always make herself understood, whose insecurity could even resemble surliness, yet never forgets to take care of the details and the preferences of those who surround her. And by loving them, she gradually learns to trust, communicate without fear, and feel more confident.
I have had this experience in my life. It is not easy, but it is good. Sometimes it is hard, but it always compensates and bears fruit. A married couple, in short, that learns to mold itself to each other in such a way that when one is missing, the other loses balance and falls. Seen separately, they are imperfect beings; however, when united in marriage, they manage to complement each other to a substantial extent and set an example of unity to those who knew them. Because they knew how to see beyond the mutual defects of character, and instead of obsessing over them and enlarging them, they knew how to minimize them and prioritize their union, companionship, and intimate trust. There is an intelligence that resides within true love. Thus, this elder couple navigated each other using the virtues, preventing them from sinking to the bottom of their defects.
For this reason, the idyllic image of the elder couple sitting on the park bench is not enough to tell us all that is hidden in a life lived with joint effort to reach the final success. Believing that, to get there, one must only let time pass by is a mistake. Old constructions do not continue to stand because they are old but because they are solid. The same rings true for the union of love.
The best endeavor of your life, if you are married, is your marriage´s life. That means helping each other, with trust and a sense of humor, to build an ever-deepening, ever-stronger union. Do not expect it to occur from the simple accumulation of birthdays. You will not achieve it alone. You must do it together, helping one another, with patience on good and bad days, without disappointing, betraying, or abandoning each other. The secret lies in working together. There is strength in numbers.
