English
EspañolLoving each other is a matter for inventors, not antiquarians. Love´s horizon is always the future, not the past, as well as a joint construction, not each one on his own.
Text
“Their gaze now has to be directed to the future that, with the help of God’s grace, they are daily called to build. For this very reason, neither spouse can expect the other to be perfect. Each must set aside all illusions and accept the other as he or she actually is: an unfinished product, needing to grow, a work in progress. A persistently critical attitude towards one’s partner is a sign that marriage was not entered into as a project to be worked on together, with patience, understanding, tolerance and generosity. Slowly but surely, love will then give way to constant questioning and criticism, dwelling on each other’s good and bad points….” (The Joy of Love, n.218)
Commentary
Carla and Ricardo have been married for four months. Carla comments: “I am worried because there are weeks when we argue a lot. We have divided up the housework. Ricardo expects everything to be done during the daytime; he does not consider that I work until 6 o´clock in the evening. Besides, everything has to be perfect. He looks like an inquisitor. He brings home the mannerisms of a company executive. I want a quiet, peaceful home where I can relax. I am getting more and more overwhelmed each day. God! We do not agree on anything!”
“Calm down, Carla,” a friend tells her, “that happens to all newlyweds. Visiting someone is not the same as living with them. When you live with them, their defects are more noticeable. Before, when you were dating, you saw each other at times, and the flaws could go unnoticed, or you could cope with them better. Living together twenty-four hours a day is a new dimension of the relationship, and it calls for a learning process. Ricardo is going through the same thing you are. He will surely say that you take too long to do things or leave them unfinished, for example. I advise you that, instead of arguing and telling me about it, you and Ricardo write down a date and time to discuss the week´s events, your defects and his, and how you can help each other improve, do this until both of you end up making fun for those defects. It is crucial to take the opportunity to learn the art of spousal conversation, the art of dialoguing between intimate accomplices. You are not adversaries but allies.
Another tip: instead of arguing and mutually criticizing each other, learn how to get to know the other person and to respect one another, respect their differences regarding preferences, spaces and time: be patient and understand one another, nobody is perfect, we are all meant to learn, be able to overlook minor details without granting them any importance, and I repeat, treat each other´s defects, as well as what may occur in life with good humor. Do not dramatize and eternalize them”.
Moreover, remember: “It is the first time you are living your marriage. You are apprentices, and it is proper of the apprentice to err while at the same time, to learn from his mistakes. No one was born a master. Do not blame each other for being apprentices as well as having to learn.”
