Intimate communication

Commentary

Although it may come as a surprise because, as spouses, they should have deep trust in each other, one of the topics usually left aside in marital communication is sexual intimacy. Perhaps they take for granted that it is something natural, spontaneous, that it comes quickly and smoothly, and that there is no need to talk about it. Or, on the contrary, they do not dare talk about it, they do not trust each other, they are afraid and hide from one another.

Experience shows that a lack of trust in sexual relationships can be a source of problems in marriages. How do you gain trust? Through a welcoming attitude and cheerful, warm, and delicate behaviors, which build and secure it. Trust is gained through experiencing confidence in one another, listening to what resides in each other´s intimacy, and avoiding that which drives spouses apart or creates fears, wounds, insecurities, and suffering.

The most elementary basis – sometimes the most ignored or damaged – is the knowledge and embrace of the state, affectivity, and differences of the sexual condition of the other person. Enormous ignorance, errors, and simplifications occur at this point.

A husband matures, as a man and a husband, when he discovers, understands, and embraces his wife, as a woman and as this specific and singular woman. She is not just another friend from the neighborhood, nor a sexual object, nor a domestic worker who conceives children but has no job or salary, nor is she a silly girl who looks at herself in the mirror. A wife matures, as a woman and a wife, when she knows, understands, and embraces her husband, as a man and as this specific and singular one. He is not another intimate friend, nor the continuation of her father, nor is he a bounty hunter looking for a place to live or an exclusive ticket to get by in life, nor is he a brute that only wants one thing, to sleep with her.

We could continue mentioning stereotypes, ad nauseam. Key point: if two spouses want to love and trust each other intimately, they cannot reduce their knowledge to a few impersonal topics, being simplistic and even offensive to each other, resulting in that each one remains unknown to the other and alone. This is the first examination of conscience: Do I know her or him? Do I make known what I feel inside? Do I prevent her or him from opening up and trusting me?

In order to know themselves, it is essential to learn to talk about themselves, their intimacy, their hopes and dreams, their insecurities and misgivings, and their values, beliefs, and conscience. It is necessary to communicate their “inner selves,” to become confidants, being exquisite in respecting what each confides, providing the space and time at home where they can be alone together, embracing one another in their differences, caring and helping each other; also listening to each other, that is to say, allowing the other person to speak, to manifest themselves and to be whom they indeed are regarding what makes them different and what they like. Thus, they avoid manipulating, using, and reducing each other to simplistic clichés, lying to each other, neglecting the request for companionship. The one who loves does not go “his own way” but pays attention to the other person. Good love always inspires us.

The most intimate expression of conjugal love is trust and companionship, “whole and sincere,” in their attitudes, behaviors, and coexistence. Is it not copulation? Certainly not, if it lacks that intimate trust and companionship. In that case, a mere physical act, soulless, made into a routine or an imposed obligation, is the most terrible experience of loneliness and abuse, for the worst thing possible is the corruption of what is good. The sexual relationship between spouses is profound communication when it contains and expresses trust and companionship; through the union of bodies, there is a gift and embrace between the personal intimacies of husband and wife.