English
EspañolNow that you are married, you complain because you did not know how he or she was? What did you do during the courtship? Did you blindfold your eyes and cover your ears?
Text
“Sadly, many couples marry without really knowing one another. They have enjoyed each other’s company and done things together, but without facing the challenge of revealing themselves and coming to know who the other person truly is.”
“In their initial enchantment with one another, couples can attempt to conceal or relativize certain things and to avoid disagreements; only later do problems surface. For this reason, they should be strongly encouraged to discuss what each expects from marriage, what they understand by love and commitment, what each wants from the other and what kind of life they would like to build together.” (The Joy of Love, n.209 – 210)
Commentary
More than a few couples regret, after getting married, not knowing how their husband or wife indeed was. “If I had known he or she was like this,” they say, “I would not have gotten married.” Why did they put on a blindfold during the courtship? Was it due to inexperience, fear of losing the other person, cowardice when facing arguments and disagreements, or lack of trust? Were their conversations not centered on essential topics but frivolities?
Some marriages, even after many years, mention the same complaints: we do not really know each other, we do not trust each other, my spouse does not listen to or understand me, we pretend to be something we are not, any one of my friends knows more about me then my spouses does. Sometimes, they even complain about worse and surprising things: I do not like the way my spouse is, I do not like their ideas personality, we are not the slightest bit alike! They whine and blame each other but never find a solution. How are you supposed to love one another if you do not know each other and do not have the confidence to communicate, be intimate, and be a companion?
Sometimes, a couple says that they do not talk about certain subjects so as not to quarrel, or when one spouse says his or her opinions regarding specific issues, the other one keeps quiet about his because he is surprised to hear that they are the opposite, discussed violently, or because they are scorned for speaking their mind. This spouse dares not to dialogue; he is afraid, there is no trust. He lets the moment go by, considering perhaps that “it will work out later.” Some people wed while fostering profound doubts and fears…They do not dare express them; they fear different outcomes and consequences.
It is not a matter of avoiding arguments at all costs, at the price of not learning mutual respect, trust, knowing how to listen to each other, taking into account the other person´s feelings and not only one´s own. This remedy is worse than the disease. One learns to love by loving. How are they expected to learn the pleasure of discussing discordant subjects without arguing if they flee from communication? It is essential for both to be able to voice their opinion, overcoming the fears that would lead them to remain silent before the other. To silence the other person, or condemn each other to silence, is to sentence one another to loneliness.
Falling in love and courtship are opportunities to prepare ourselves; time to really know each other, to talk about what matters, to clarify things, without fear of occasionally breaking that novice peace that can be superficial since it is not the definitive peace of long-lasting love, of maturely facing the differences that do not separate us because they are understood and respected. If they learn to reach and respect agreements, to recover fluid communication and reciprocal respect, to embrace each other in their known and accepted differences, they will have learned in time great lessons for their future married life. Otherwise, they may discover that the compatibility they thought existed is not truly there. It is better to put the brakes on in time than to throw yourself over the cliff.
To remain silent is to accumulate gunpowder for a bomb that can explode after some years of marriage, causing many wounds and even death. To remain silent, in order not to show differences, is fertilizer for the differences to grow and become unbridgeable.
