English
EspañolI am fortunate. My father and mother know how to be parents of adult children, married children. They raised me to break the umbilical cord and leave them to themselves when I married. With their marriage, they taught me that my spouse comes first.
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“Parents must not be abandoned or ignored, but marriage itself demands that they be “left” so that the new home will be a true hearth, a place of security, hope and future plans, and the couple can truly become “one flesh” (…)Marriage challenges husbands and wives to find new ways of being sons and daughters.” (The Joy of Love, n.190)
Commentary
We will never tire of repeating what the Pope reminds us here, which is the Word of God: “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife….” In order to marry, the “umbilical cord,” if it still existed, must be cut. The paternal home is still the “parents´ home,” but it is no longer the home of the married son (for example, it would make no sense to continue to maintain “his room” from when he was a bachelor as if he had never left and was expected to return). The new and independent married couple has their own home.
Suppose parents really want to help their children´s marriage to consolidate. In that case, the best thing they can do is respect their home, not interfere in their lives as if they were minors, not burden them with a constant presence that robs them of their intimacy with unsolicited advice and warnings about any minutiae. Parents, who are also in-laws, must learn the art of taking a back seat, renouncing the role of a protagonist. They should let the married children govern their lives and problems; exquisitely respect that the spouse is the first and most intimate relative of the married son or daughter and demonstrate it through their deeds.
They will argue and fight; this is normal. Do not interfere or take your child´s side. Let them learn to reconcile and understand each other. Pray for them, but leave them alone. Do not undermine their autonomy. Do not break their independence with murmurings behind their backs. Of course, they can be helped a lot. Young married couples have many needs. However, the help has to be kept at a distance, generously and discreetly, without keeping tabs and without asking for obedience and submission in return.
If they need it, they will know how to come and ask for advice. If the son or daughter appears in the parental home one day because they have quarreled with their spouse, they are received for a moment and listened to in silence; their parents help them calm down and do not lead them on by fanatically agreeing with them. The first piece of advice begins with the request of an examination of conscience and self-criticism, he or she is also responsible for their marriage, they should be made to see that their home is not there, that they have to return to their own, return to their spouse and children. They are reminded that in their household is where problems must be prevented or solved before they worsen and become entrenched. That same day! They are young and have time to learn this.
