English
EspañolHave faith in love. Trust its power. Whatever the trial, to love others builds you up. The rugged, selfish heart that only looks out for itself… empties and destroys you.
Text
“The Synod Fathers noted that Jesus, “in speaking of God’s original plan for man and woman, reaffirmed the indissoluble union between them, even stating that ‘it was for your hardness of heart that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so’ (Mt 19:8). The indissolubility of marriage – ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder’ (Mt 19:6) – should not be viewed as a ‘yoke’ imposed on humanity, but as a ‘gift’ granted to those who are joined in marriage”. (The Joy of Love, n.62)
Commentary
I could not count the number of times that I have been asked why marriage is indissoluble in my profession. I have been asked for a rational demonstration, that is to say, an argumentation that would overcome the doubts of reason by linking ideas and conclusions. Alternatively, they asked for a magic formula, unexpected but fulminating, capable of solving the difficulties, perplexities, and heartaches of life as a couple.
However, if one wants to “open” their reason and wants to “understand” with the heart and, above all, with a life lived that notion of “between a man and woman for their whole life,” one has to do three things before searching for winning doctrinal arguments. Why? Because love creates a way of understanding, feeling, and living—the most real one.
The first piece of advice is to identify the source of the answer: where does indissolubility become clear to us, and where does it become obscure? It is necessary to look inside, in the interior of our spirit where the tender heart beats, instead of the hard and stony one. Not outside, in the laws, customs, and social uses. The “between a man and woman for their whole life” is a gift of true love, not a lawful imposition, however convenient that yoke may be. Situate yourself as a lover, not a citizen!
Once you manage to put yourself in the internal scene of loving, the second thing to do is to examine yourself, with sincere honesty to determine how “hard” – selfish, closed in and inclined to seek your own satisfaction and interest – your “heart” is; in other words, your spirit and intentions. Because if you are always your own favorite person – if the one you love most is yourself –, then the rest – your spouse, your children, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues … – will sooner or later be a hindrance, a burden, unhelpful people, impediments to achieving your desires. People to “get rid of. And even more, take into account the limitations, defects, and other inconveniences that “they” have and you must tolerate. You will end up seeing them, those people more or less close to you, as “your personal hell.”
Whereas, if you have a tender, warm heart, open to preferring others at least as much as you prefer yourself, and perhaps more, if you love them, then your way of seeing, feeling, and living – your attitude and behaviors – will change radically.
If you possess the heart and gaze of love, then thirdly, it will be easy for you to understand that the gift of yourself and the embrace within in favor of your loved ones demand to be whole and sincere in order to be true love. Whole means that you give yourself and embrace them in all the depth and duration of each unique person. Both your person and theirs last all their lives. It is not a season or a fragment as long as it is useful and satisfying. Sincere means that you do not misrepresent, lie, use and abuse, or twist that totality of self-giving and embracing your loved ones—sincere means to be loyal and faithful, not a traitor. Like every mother’s son, you may have defects and limitations, some of them very significant, but these poverties do not prevent you from being sincere, honest, and truthful when you give yourself and embrace your loved ones.
If your heart truly loves, then you understand that you love the “whole” life of your loved ones and that you also wish to be loved by them in such a manner…if they do honestly love you. Because you, like them, are the same human person, that man or that woman, all the ages of your life. The so-called “indissolubility” – the power to say “I am the one who loves you now and tomorrow and always, in exclusive fidelity, because I have given myself and I embrace you entirely” – is understood from authentic love. Outside of loving, giving oneself, and embracing loved ones wholeheartedly and sincerely for life is a lousy business for the stonyhearted egotist.
If you do not love, you will not understand anything. The more you love, the more you understand. You will see trials and difficulties as opportunities to grow, not as defeats and hopeless failures. The measure of your love illuminates indissolubility and its fidelity. Your love – as Saint Augustine said – is your weight. In conclusion, conjugal love and its properties of one man with one woman for life can only be understood if your starting point is love.
